Orlando Magic

Aaron Gordon’s diss track at Dwyane Wade is a 5 out of 10

Aaron Gordon has released a diss track aimed at Dwyane Wade for his judge’s score in the last Slam Dunk Contest. We’d give it a five out of 10.

Boredom hits everyone differently. For many, it’s a chance to read that book you haven’t had time for, catch up on that show you’ve been dying to binge or do something creative to feel more productive with all this extra free time during quarantine.

For Aaron Gordon, it was apparently time to reflect yet again on his latest Slam Dunk Contest defeat, as he released a diss track aimed at Dwyane Wade, the judge who cost him his chance at the belt by giving him a nine out of 10 on his final dunk.

In retrospect, it’s also a chance to reflect on the fact that Aaron Gordon needs better friends in his life if any of them saw the final product here and didn’t just tell him straight up: “Nah man … maybe not.”

To be fair to the Orlando Magic forward, the beat isn’t terrible, and neither is his flow. It’s just that the bars are so…corny. Like, as soon as that super deep “Nine outta 10, I’mma keep it zen” hits, you just know this is going to be super cheesy.

Maybe that’s the point, given that it’s a diss track written about a judge in a Slam Dunk Contest; if this had been a serious attempt at a diss track, it would’ve been laughed off the internet. But if this was supposed to be taken as a joke, the thing about jokes is, well, they’re usually funny.

There are zero good insults or memorable zingers hurled in Wade’s direction here; just cringeworthy line after cringeworthy line:

“Used to hoop in your Converse so comfortably,
Knew one day I’d be good and you’d come for me
Didn’t know it would make me this hun-gary
Looking at your judgment and everyone’s wondering.”

Yes, Gordon was saying hungry, but for some reason decided to pronounce it like the Hungary the country.

The closest he gets to being funny is his attire, or this line where he bleeps out the word “nuts” for some reason:

“Didn’t get the trophy but I’ve got something to hold:
Forgive me bro, I won’t sell my soul.”

Given what Gordon has said (multiple times) about his very real disappointment with the results of that Slam Dunk Contest, this feels like an odd, overly polite attempt to laugh off something that actually still pisses him off deep down, almost like he didn’t want people to think he was mad, so he dialed it back too far and the end result was just this … lame product.

“Big chillin,’” Gordon raps to set up another rhyme.

Okay, maybe this is going somewhere.

“Paint me as a villain.”

Nobody’s doing that, AG.

“I jumped over the biggest dude in the building.”

Okay, true, but that’s kind of all you did, my dude. 

I was one of the few people on Twitter who thought Derrick Jones Jr. deserved to win the Slam Dunk Contest, since Gordon just kept doing the same dunks over and over and again with little tweaks. That controversial opinion feels validated today thanks to … whatever this was.

Either way, we’ve got to stop with this “robbed” talk, especially after this music video. Zach LaVine vs. Gordon was an epic battle where both were deserving winners, but to say he was robbed in either one just because he was deserving in both feels excessive. Hopefully we can put this conversation behind us for good, as Gordon says himself:

“Dreams of a Dunk trophy
Resting in peace.”

Yes, AG. That, and dreams of a rap career. Not everyone can be Damian Lillard, after all.

Next: 5 things we learned from Episodes 3-4 of The Last Dance

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