Washington Wizards

How we can help Bradley Beal, since the Washington Wizards won’t 


Averaging 30 points per game and a career-high in assists, but taking back to back losses while scoring 50+ — Bradley Beal needs our help. Let’s brainstorm some ways to help him, shall we?

There’s one of two ways your emotions can go when it comes to Bradley Beal’s current exile in the Nation’s Capital. On one hand, you can point and laugh because Beal chose the bag (signed a two-year, $72 million extension this off-season that will keep him with the Wizards until 2023) over being a free-agent next summer and potentially going to a better franchise. Or you can genuinely feel bad for one of the most loyal players in the NBA, and of it’s better scorers, continuously let down by the franchise he pledged his allegiance to. He is surrounded by mismanagement, injured cohorts, marginally talented players, coached by Scott Brooks (haha) and sequestered within a franchise that has been one of the worst institutionally in all of sports for multiple decades. It’s up to you how you decide to feel about Beal, but right now, this man needs a hug.

On Monday, Beal became the first player since Kobe Bryant (on Feb. 24 of all days, which is practically unscriptable) to score 50+ on back-to-back nights. I can barely walk the day after doing a few sets of squats and this man went out on an NBA floor and torched one of the best defenses in the history of the NBA (!) to the tune of 55 points, nearly executing a monster comeback against the best team in the league in the Milwaukee Bucks.

Therein lies the issue, no matter how excellent Beal is the Wiz can’t muster enough defense to hold teams and get the win. The night before, Beal put up 53 points against the lowly Bulls only for the team to give up 126 points in a nine-point loss. I mean, come on?

With the loss to the Bucks Monday, the Wizards are now 1-8 when Beal scores 40+ this season. This could be an indication that when Beal is more ball-dominant, the team is worse off. I mean, the record plainly states so right?. Well does Beal have to guard all five men on the floor, write the postgame recap, sell merch, sweep up aisle C in section 205 and then drive the team to the airport after too? When you have a player of his caliber (who, by the way, is now tied for second in the NBA at 30.1 points per game — good job coaches who didn’t vote him in to the All-Star game) doing what he’s doing right now, this can’t be his fault. The Wizards have been a dumpster fire on top of a warehouse fire on top of a forest fire now for so long, I honestly forget about their existence sometimes when thinking about the league. This isn’t all on Beal and right now, he needs out help.

Let’s dive into some ways we, the general public, can help Bradley Beal in his time of need.

Diverting politicians away from real issues to get a bill passed to take away more D.C. taxpayer money and funnel it into the Wizards organization to acquire better free-agents

I’m not sure on the legality of a move like this but let’s push for it anyway. If D.C. really wants to see a winning NBA franchise they would allow the government to take more of their hard-earned money for the incompetence of the front office of the Wizards. Dems da rules. Nevermind that they just had three championships from their WNBA, NHL and MLB teams in the last two years — it’s time to get greedy folks. Tack on another 7.5 percent in taxes to the middle, upper and elite classes that call the District of Columbia home and pay Giannis a super-duper max in 2021. This plan will totally work, is totally realistic and won’t backfire. Beal will be so happy. Great move for everyone involved.

The Brad Comrades Fan Club (working title)

How does Bradley Beal, A.K.A. Big Panda, A.K.A. Blue Magic, A.K.A. Big Snub, not have a fan club yet? This absence shall cease as of February 2020. I will be working alongside his fiancé Kamiah Adams to make sure Beal receives his loving fan mail, promote the charities Beal is involved in and work on business partnerships, clap back at Twitter haters, light poop in a paper bag on fire in front of each individual Eastern Conference coach’s offices for the All-Star snub, forge his autograph (can’t let that shooting hand get tired) and will also be subliminally sliding some gifts to some top free-agents as well. The Comrades go all-out for theirs. We gotta stand up and represent.

Picketing outside of multiple NBA offices demanding an answer on his All-Star snub

This one was egregious. Bradley Beal officially holds one of the least-coveted records in NBA history — the highest season scoring average without making the All-Star game, at 29.1 points per game. He beat out chronic litterer World B. Free’s 1978-79 record of 28.8 points a game without an invite to the mid-season tamper-fest. Biggest All-Star snub of all time? It’s looking like it. Funny, this season had two of the worst ever snubs with Devin Booker missing the first round of entry as well (a Damian Lillard injury got him in). It shows that the league is in a good place but let’s be real, Beal should have made his third-straight All-Star Game.

This is where the Comrades really come in to play. The league has two main offices domestically, right in the heart of Manhattan (my home) and in Secaucus, NJ (ew), with seven internationally as well. We pick a day during the playoffs, preferably in the first round, and picket these offices. I’m talking signs with cursing on them, aggressive behavior towards authority and maybe a molotov cocktail or three. You know, to prove a point that you shouldn’t leave someone scoring nearly 30 points a game off the All-Star roster. No one wanted to see Rudy Gobert in that game. I don’t care that he’s in the West.

Sending Scott Brooks multiple educational materials on defense

Here are a few good ones:

Building a man-to-man defense — Written by keto diet poster child Bob Huggins.

Let’s Talk Defense!: Tips, Skills and Drills For Better Defensive Basketball — Written by former Detroit Pistons coach Herb Brown, brother of the very moralistic Larry Brown.

Basketball Defense: Lessons From Legends — How about learning from the likes of Pat Summit, Dean Smith and Lute Olson. Just because you are a bum doesn’t mean you can’t be taught properly!

Next: Clippers are gearing up for stretch run



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