Please stop what you’re doing and send Patrick Patterson more fan mail

Did you know that Patrick Patterson is now playing for the Oklahoma City Thunder? Apparently not, because he hasn’t received any fan mail.

Adjust your eyes a few inches upward and really try to comprehend that picture. That’s the torso and face of Patrick Patterson, and that’s the torso and face of a man who doesn’t feel loved.

It’s not his fault. Not everyone is Paul George, or Russell Westbrook, or Dougie McBuckets. In fact, only three specific people are any of those things. Patrick Patterson is just an NBA-basketball-playing man who contributes quality basketball playing. There aren’t flashy stats or thunderous dunks. He simply had the best on/off point differential for the Toronto Raptors each of the last two years.

You would think this would inspire some simple level of devotion, but apparently not. Watch this video, and try not to have your heart break like that small, clumpy cartoon man in the bottom left-hand corner.

It just tears me apart, and we need to do something. As such, I’ve constructed an “I love you, Patrick Patterson” madlib for you to complete and mail to him:

Dear Patrick Patterson

I love you more than [noun]. You are the best basketball player I’ve seen since [NBA All Star power forward of the past]. When I see you play my [noun] [verb ending in ‘s’] with [noun]. It’s like watching two [plural noun] collide except in a good way.

This season, I would like to see you make [‘1st’, ‘2nd’, or ‘3rd’] team All-NBA, and I would like you to score at least [number higher than 60] points against [your least favorite team]. I know you can do it. You have it in you just like I have [what you ate for lunch] in me.

I love you. I love you so much, Patrick.

Forever yours,

[your name]

P.S. [An overly personal confession of adoration.]

Please print yours out and mail it to the following address:

Oklahoma City Thunder
208 Thunder Drive
Oklahoma City, OK 73102

If you don’t do this, you are a bad person. It’s as simple as that.

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